Heart Throbbing Pain
It’s real this time. It’s done and it’s finished. I’ll be alright. Just give me a little time to mourn. I’ll get through this, with or without you. Trust me, I’m good. It’s meant to be. It’s for the best. Misunderstanding or not, it’s not working anyway. I’ll go through the pain, for you, for the good times and precious memories. With pain, I know I’m still alive. My heart still steadily beating, painful but real, though my head is spinning. Sleepless nights will soon be gone. I will look forward to it. To the days when everyday does not seem too slow. Something meaningful will turn up. By then, I’ll be ready and new.
Drinking
Bf’s “birthday celebration” is today. He’s going to have a drinking night with a bunch of friends. Honestly, I think it’s a darn waste of time and money. I fail to see what is so fun about that. Not like you’re going to dance or anything. It’s not even a real party because there’s no food! I know, I’m a food freak. I don’t quite like that idea of getting drunk with many people. I think it’s really not safe. Plus, from what others have told me, it seems people tend to be more prone to accidents when drunk. Like accidentally end up in bed with someone you didn’t intend to initially. Alcohol makes you do the things you only dream of doing. I think that’s scary.
Discrimination
As I was browsing the channels on the tv, I came across the News at Ten. It was showing the incident about the Harvard professor being arrested for “breaking” into his own house. Discrimination was brought up to the surface and immediately the media took advantage of it.
Just the other day when I was walking in town, two adult couple cycled close behind me and frightened me while I wasn’t aware of their existence. They thought scaring a chinese young female was a funny joke. Something similar happened when I first arrived here but the “joker” was a kid.
So, why does all these discrimination happen? Who should we blame? How come some see it while the others don’t? Dad says the city people cover it up better than those in small towns. I think all of us look down on certain people generally. Not necessarily in race, we sometimes look down on our “own kind”, so to speak.
I think we do it to make ourselves feel better, to feel better about our incompetence. We know that we’re not good enough and the only way to make up for that is to find someone else, whom we think is worse off, and look down on them. Pretend we’re better.
But actually, we are damn scared that they can be better than us. We know that they can easily win us and we are damn afraid that it will happen. So we bring them down, we play dirty. But we know that it’s a futile attempt because we know we’re essentially equal. We know they are capable of being better off than us. And when that happens, there’ll be no one else left to blame except ourselves.
Facing our own weaknesses and failures is the hardest thing to do. We humans are too egoistic. We know we’re empty inside but we don’t want anyone to see through the mask we put on. That’s why discrimination happens.
What do you think? You think I’m right? If you do, remember the next time you look down on someone, whether or not for looks, height, manner of speech, skin colour, background, education et cetera. You are actually hiding your insecurities, get over it and have some confidence in yourself. Embrace your weakness and appreciate the different qualities each one of us have. Enjoy variety.
In Regards to the so-called-”Key Result Areas (KRA)”
I haven’t been following the local scene since the time I left for UK. A lot has happened. I’ve read about the major news like the death of Mr Teoh from the “Anti-Corruption” Commission headquarter itself (how ironic can things be in Malaysia!?), Yasmin Ahmad’s sudden death (she was a highly respected filmmaker in the local scene) et cetera.
Before going to bed, I clicked on the news feeds and saw that the prime minister of Malaysia announced the national Key Result Areas as a target for 2012. Sounds like what the managers talk about during company meetings, loads of bullshit with no real substance.
He plans to reduce crime rates by 20%, so he says. Set up more courts, train volunteers, upgrade equipments of police stations (buy more CCTV). None, and I say that again, NONE of these measures targets the core problem of what causes crime rates.
Let me tell you what I know (although my knowledge is limited but it’s still much clearer that his, I believe). Crime rates are increasing because the wrongdoers are “encouraged” to do so. Firstly, they don’t have a job. Why? Because they realised by robbing (or whatever crime they do), they actually get more money than working for it. It’s easier and they don’t get caught. The police force (the word “force” is used in a very loose context here as there’s no force whatsoever in the Malaysia police) are not competent or even bothered to do their job.
I have now identified the other problem: police. What to do with it then? I think the recruitment of the police force has to be restructured. What it has become now is that those who can’t get a job anywhere can become a police (only for the “bumiputra” of course). It doesn’t matter if you didn’t pass your SPM or you can barely speak a word of english or that you’re so fat that you can’t even outrun me, not to mention the criminals. The training programmes for the police should be enforced, make sure they are fit for the job else they should be fired. It’s not right that the security guards in the shopping malls are actually more reliable and capable than the local police.
There are many issues that the prime minister, at least he is for now, mentioned in the KRA that I am utterly cynical about but it’s going to be too long a post to ramble on and I really need to go to bed else I’ll be missing an important Skype call tomorrow morning. I’m not sure if I’m going to have the same resentment tomorrow to continue this discussion but I think you get my point: Words with no substance are pointless. Goodnight.
WTF!?
At times like this, I really don’t need more confusion. I know very much that I’m not supposed to spend someone else’s hard earn money on my own holidays. I should be working my ass off and earn my own trips. But what can I do during this 2 and a half months? Do nothing? Work in fast food restaurants? Keep finding jobs that I don’t want to do?
I can’t go back just yet because I have some unfinished business that can only be done by 8th October 2009. After that, I’m free to go back and get stuck in that developing country or whatever. Don’t ask me what to do next. I don’t know! I’ll just get a job and work if you like. If that’s going to please you. But I know it won’t. Nothing is enough.
Damn, why is this so hard? Why can’t I just have some peace? Get a break. Go somewhere, see the world, think. I saved every penny so that I can survive, now that I don’t need to survive, I’ll use it for my benefit. Why not? Why is that wrong? I really don’t get it? Because I didn’t get a scholarship and I’m not using my own hard earn money? Money not worth paying for?
What am I to do? What? I can’t go back unless I can come back to finish up what’s left. I can’t cancel it because it’s already done and planned. You can’t blame me for “not planning it properly” because I did. I don’t think I deserved to be blamed because of something out of my control. And even if I do plan to go back early, I still couldn’t finish this early. It’s fixed. What do you want me to do? What? WHAT!?
